I walk alone

I remember a while back when I was living in Taiwan, a friend asked me if I would ever go to a restaurant by myself. I replied with a question, "Why would I do that? Maybe a take out joint or a cafeteria but a nice restaurant, no." That was some time ago. I've traveled much more. I lived in more places. I've eaten in many more restaurants. Somehow, somewhere in the time period between that moment and now, the fear of being alone for long stretches of time has diminished. I'm not saying that it is not present at times, just that my tolerance for being alone has grown.

When I first got here on this island and didn't know anyone, the loneliness was nearly unbearable. I had two coworkers, my manager from HK and an English fellow who grew up on the island, one grumpy family friend who I didn't get along with, and a village people who didn't speak a lick of English. What was I to do?

One day, I reached my breaking point. I had found out where the local expat pub was located and was determined to speak English to whoever foreign person I could find. Sure enough there was a group of them sitting outside, Mick an older Brit who had been on the island for 25 years, Nick an unemployed writer, Will an American in his 30's and his Asian girlfriend. Now, I wouldn't have normally associated myself with some strangers in a bar, but I was desperate. The pool of people in Asia that you can carry a conversation with is much smaller so one can't be too picky when choosing who to talk to. Anyway, we talked about various subjects in HK like job seeking and housing, the normal things people talk about when first arriving in a new city. Will and I started on the topic of Taiwan where we had both once lived. Then I think his girlfriend started to become jealous so the two of them start making out right at the table in front of everyone. It was the strangest thing and no one else seemed to blink an eye. That was about eight months ago. I haven't been back since nor have I had the desire to.

I had learned to occupy my time with a lot of hiking around the island and always I wanted to share this time up in the mountains or near the ocean with someone else because it was simply so beautiful that it would be impossible to explain it in words or capture it in a photo. Then last week I was on one of these walks exploring more of the village wishing someone was there so we could talk about these new places and then it struck me. Wait a minute, if I were with someone else, I wouldn't be able to go where I wanted. Every time I'm with someone else, we've got to ask each other where to go next, to go straight ahead or make the next left, when to head back or to keep going. There is always a slight concern for the other person and it's always a compromise when being with someone else. Being with another would take the freedom, the joy out of wandering around and discovering new niches in an unknown territory. That freedom is what I love about traveling. It is my passion.

Not to say that I like being by myself all the time but now if that friend asked me the same question of whether or not I would eat in a nice restaurant alone, I would think nothing of it. Would I go on vacation by myself? Sure, if safety or money wasn't an issue. I might even prefer it.

I'll end this entry with a haiku for today.

Alone I am now
Tranquil silence surrounds me
Yet I am at peace